Satire: Jim Rome’s next interview with David Stern

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JR: Commissioner, it is believed that one of the referees in your league was arrested and convicted and then wrote a book about fixing games. Is that true?

DS: First of all, and let me put this in terms that even you can understand Jim. No. And shame on you for bringing it up on your nationally syndicated radio show that makes its money by generating ratings, and we all know that a good conspiracy theory generates ratings, especially when the commissioner of the league responds to the question by asking a follow-up question of “Do you still beat your wife?”

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JR: And I want to thank you for that Commissioner. Manna from heaven. People used to think you were smart and maybe even competent. I’m not so sure that assessment is fair anymore. But your answer has made me relevant again, at least for the next 48 hour news cycle. And I know that you want the world to focus on how in the hell can you ask a national radio host “Do you still beat your wife?” during the NBA Finals?

DS: Are the playoffs still on? Which teams are playing again? Why would I possibly want to detract from our league’s showcase event by completely overreacting and looking like a scumbag and sucking energy from… where are we? The finals already? How’s Kobe doing? What I really want to know is do you leave the toilet seat up after you are done, and how does your wife feel about that?

JR: Commissioner, what possible value is there from coming across like a moron on national radio?

DS: Jim, do you drink the milk straight out of the carton?

JR: (pause)… I don’t think that’s fair commissioner. I’m not here for cheap milk jokes.

DS: Oh c’mon Jim. You’re a big famous national radio star. You’ve made your career out of things like this. Are you pouting?

JR: I’m not pouting, but now I’m taking offense. I’ve made my career out of things like what, Chrissie?

DS: Don’t make me go all Jim Everett on you Jim. What I want to know is did you pull the wings off of insects when you were a kid? Look Jim, I’ve gotta go. I have a very important interview scheduled with Jenna Bush next. I may even cry a little.

JR: Commissioner, do you believe that a red light at a stop signal means stop, and that a yellow light means slow down and that a green light means go?

DS: Do your kids still wet the bed at night?

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