The Warriors 2012 Lottery Celebration

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Golden State Warriors CheerleadersToday ping-pong balls bounced in the Golden State Warriors’ favor – or at least did what they were supposed to do if things played out according to the odds. The Dubs get to keep their lottery pick, which was top 7 protected. If Joe Lacob were to call a Warriors Organization meeting in celebration of securing the seventh pick following today’s (May 30) 2012 draft lottery, I envision his speech going something like this:

Lacob: Alright everybody, thanks for the applause. I made sure not to invite any Warriors fans to the ceremony this time; I think we all know why, hehe.

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Knowing chuckles from the audience. Rick Barry and Chris Mullen, both of whom aren’t in attendance shake their heads somewhere.

We all know why we’re here: We’ve done it guys! We have officially secured the seventh spot in this year’s draft lottery. Of course we couldn’t have done it without a lot of help from all of you. First off however, I’d like to take a little credit myself: from the moment I purchased this franchise and made the promise that we would make the playoffs this past year, it has been my goal to bring a winning culture here to Golden State. As we all know, the first step to a future of winning is tanking miserably, which, if I may say so myself, we did an admirable job of doing over the last third of the season. 5-18 over the final 23 games? Not bad folks, give yourselves a pat on the back. As that guy in Batman: The Dark Knight says, the night is always darkest just before the dawn.

Nate Robinson does his ever popular, locker-room-favorite, Batman impression, which is only slightly worse than his Dave Chappelle impression, followed by laughs and high-fives all around

Anyways, I’d like to thank Larry Riley, Bob Meyers and Jerry West for pulling off that Monta Ellis trade just when it looked like we were going to be doomed to wallow in mediocrity for the next decade. It only took about five years to realize that we could never build a winning team around Monta, no matter how much fun he was to watch. The fact that we landed an injured Andrew Bogut who wasn’t able to play the rest of the 2011-12 season only sweetened the deal for our tanking purposes.

Angry Warriors Fan: WE COULD HAVE WON WITH MONTA!!! We just needed to put a better group of players around him! They were never fully healthy! His starting center was ANDRIS BIEDRINS (Biedrins nods sadly) for Christ’s-sake!! I liked his tattoos…..

Lacob: Oh Dammit, who let HER in! Can somebody please escort my fiancé (deftly dodges a thrown high-heel shoe as it whizzes by his left ear) out of the facilities? I know you weren’t happy with the trade, Honey, but please!

Richard Jefferson, working security tonight in an effort to earn some of the remaining $21 million on his egregious contract, escorts Curran, Lacob’s fiancé, out of the building. Lacob gathers himself and continues with a confident smile

Lacob: Well I’m glad that’s over with. Your doing a great job at the door there, Richard, keep it up. We might have a spot for you working security at the new San Francisco stadium in a few years if nobody wants your basketball services. Next I would like to thank a few of our players…

Andris Biedrins: (Lacob smiles over at Andris, and from amidst the crowd, Marc Jackson yells “I still Believe in you ‘Dre!) Ever since you inexplicably lost every ounce of confidence following the 2008-09 season, we have been able to rely on you each and every year to be in the running for the “Biggest Stiff in the NBA” award, right up there with Hasheem Thabeet. Despite assurances that you had gotten your life back together and “worked as hard as [you’ve] ever worked” in the last lock-out extended offseason, you continued to be your unproductive, injury-prone self. Any more than the 1.7 points and 3.7 rebounds per game you gave us this year, and we might have risked winning a few more games. For that consistent ineffectiveness, we thank you!

Raucous applause. As Biedrins begins to walk towards the podium to say a few words, he tweaks his groin.

Lacob: Ooh, that’s okay, Andris. Why don’t you sit back down. You better get used to sitting; you’re going to be doing a lot of it over the next two years if we can’t dump your remaining $18 million on some other team. God, why didn’t we trade you to the Rockets at the beginning of the year while somebody actually wanted you!? But I digress. Where was I? Oh yes, current players…

Dorell Wright: I guess we could have expected a regression from you after the incredible strides you made last season. 16 point, 5 rebounds and 3 assists per game, while shooting nearly 40% from three-point range when you had never averaged more than 7.9 points previously in your career. The 10 ppg you averaged this season were a much more realistic insight into what we can expect from you in the future. Thank goodness we didn’t sign you to any long-term deals, am I right, haha? (Wright scowls). Well anyway, this last season allowed us to see that Brandon Rush is a more valuable asset for our future, and that we probably need a new starting small forward. I think I may have strayed a bit from the point, however. Your regression certainly helped us reach the losing record we worked so hard for, so thank you.

Crowd applauds politely, Wright is still frowning

Lacob: Now we never could have qualified for that seventh slot in the draft without the incredible job done by our medical staff. Our staff worked tirelessly to make sure some of our key guys who were playing just too hard would be sidelined down the stretch at a time when we needed all the losses we could muster. Some of you very nearly ruined our lottery chances single-handedly with your inspired play and great leadership after the Monta trade. I’m looking at you David Lee.

Lacob winks in Lee’s direction and everybody laughs heartily.

If we hadn’t shut you down with that “groin injury” (wink, wink) then you may have aggravated it even further, and Larry Riley just couldn’t let you do that, especially right after you scored a game high 30 points in a hard-fought loss to the Mavericks the night before! And I know you were chewing at the bit to get back out on the court, Steph.

Stephen Curry looks up quickly from massaging his ankles and nods emphatically

But it was actually a good idea to shut you down, tank-job or no tank-job. We need those porcelain ankles healthy for next year, Buddy! Those things are about as stable as Lamar Odom going through menopause.

More laughs, somebody shouts “sounds like an emotional roller-coaster to me, Joe!”

Lacob: (Nodding) exactly, exactly. Pretty damn unstable. Don’t worry; you’ll be back out there next year, Steph. You better be, we’re counting on you. Well, I think that’s pretty much it for now. I’m sure I’m forgetting a few people, you don’t just finish the last 23 games of a season with a miraculous, Bobcattian (yeah I made that word up) .27 winning percentage without the help of a lot of people. Most of you are probably aware of our past luck when it comes to the lottery. Historically the lottery gods have not been kind to Golden State; we haven’t moved up in the draft once in the last 15 years that we were in the lottery. In fact we actually moved down in five of those drafts. So you can see why keeping this year’s pick is reason enough to celebrate. Not to mention we have three other picks in this very deep (at least that’s what the scouts say, right Jerry West) draft. Let’s make Warriors fans forget about the last couple decades of futility, and have them remember this last one as the year that changed our franchise for good. Jesus, I hope Perry Jones doesn’t turn into Anthony Randolph 2.0….

Eli Pearlman is an NBA writer for The Sports Blitz Network.  He can be contacted at EPearlman@thesportsblitz.com.

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One Response to The Warriors 2012 Lottery Celebration

  1. john says:

    good article. good sense of humor.

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